The Change

You probably think I am talking about menopause. Wrong! There are so many changes I feel we experience as women when we are going through our lives, and I feel like no one talks about them and they are seriously under acknowledged.



I feel like I am going through a sort of awkward change in my life right now. When I was younger, I felt left behind. My friends were moving in with boyfriends, getting engaged, settling down, and having children. I had the kid first so I had a harder time getting the boyfriend, let alone moving in and all that other crap, but also I had sacrificed a good chunk of my young twenties to be a mom while they were out partying it up, I was pottying it up. So when Gavin was old enough and I felt comfortable to leave him with a sitter, I tried to condense as much of what I thought I missed into a very short period of time.

Now, my friends are going through that kind of selfish, the kid’s are old enough, party stage and I am quitting my job to be a domestic goddess, and trying to have another baby. I am odd man out because of the backward path I took in my life. I do not have anyone to share pregnancy with, because they have all either done it and are done, or they haven’t started and aren’t ready. So here is me, and no one really seems to understand it or support it. None of my friends seem to understand why I want to do this. Why do I want to stay home, raise kids, and be the “little woman”? I can’t explain it other than to just simply say, I have always wanted to be a mother. I never really thought much past that. It isn’t like I am uneducated. I know exactly what I am doing. I want to raise my kids and be here for them, and see them through a successful adult hood. I want them to remember me being here, not having been in daycare all day. I want more children and I have made it seem as though it is really my husband who wants them more than me. It is both of us, but my desire to have more children becomes larger and larger every day.



I want to be pregnant and have people be excited and happy for me. I want people to ooh and aaah over the tiny little things I get at my shower. I want to have a baby inside me and not be terrified of how I will take care of it alone. I want to push the baby out while holding my husband’s hand instead of my grandma’s and be excited about the life that chose to create.

I feel like I missed so much of Gavin’s babyness because I was too caught up in the stress of doing it alone. Both of us suffered for that. I want more children. I want to see them grow and I want my friends and family to be happy for me and stop making me feel self conscious or talk me out of it. People look at me like I am crazy, like children are the root of all evil. I have done a bang up job so far with Gavin and I want to do it at least one more time.


Funny how when you’re a nineteen year old drunk, you have no problem what so ever getting knocked up, but when you are a soon to be thirty year old house wife it is mission impossible. If there is such a thing, I have a pregnancy test addiction. Yup, I am addicted to taking pregnancy tests. I am obsessed with them, and the promise they seem to hold. I just want to see those two little lines, that is all I want! It is so discouraging when they don’t appear.



I am overly analyzing every small thing my body does, like it could be a sign. Every spontaneous nipple erection or funny little back cramp sends me flying into the bathroom to pee on a stick. It is just so damn frustrating!! Nobody gets it. Unless you are trying to have a baby you won’t. People say well you already have a son, you should be grateful. I am damn it! I love Gavin and I am beyond grateful to have him, but why aren’t I allowed to want what a lot of women want? Why can’t I have another baby and have people be over joyed about it! I hope my next blog brings news of a tiny soft bundle of joy to be.


Don’t other women sense these changes? I feel like sometimes they happen so swiftly it is like they were carried in with the wind. You are all in one place at one time, then the next thing you know, you are on your own island and everyone else is ahead of you or behind you.

Well, it is time for me to move on to the next chapter in my book and my life; I hope to see you there.