Pregnancy (a demonic possesion)

I am here to tell you, the expectant mothers , to THROW OUT your "What to Expect" books.  They should retitle it to "What to Expect, for the pleasant 5% Mothers".  So here is my little version of that.  Now, keep in mind, it was almost nine years ago, but it was such utter and total misery, that I remember it vividly!!!

I was nineteen when I got knocked up, and ladies, incase you were curious  when you are nineteen and single, live with your parents, and can't pay any bills, that is exactly what you are KNOCKED UP!  Before I peed on a pregnancy test I knew something was up because my body changed over night.  I woke up with my boobs over flowing my B cups.  Two days later they hurt like hell!!!!  Then I just physically ached all over.  I felt evil.  I wanted to rip people's faces off.  Then in a flash I would be devistated about things like, Valley Dairy being out of pumpkin pie ice cream.  I balled in front of a cashier when she told me they were out.  I was looking forward to it so much, she broke my heart.  I couldn't believe how good food tasted to me.  Some of the things I ate (pumpkin pie ice cream) were down right orgasmic!  My body really hurt though.  I was over whelmed with exhaustion too. 

Vomiting came next, and it brought a friend!  Diareah cha cha cha!  Some times I puked and shit simultaneously!!!  How is this for a visual?  Me sitting on the toilet with a garbage can between my legs!  I vomited so much and was so exhausted that I had to put a chair in my shower.  That is like the lowest of the low right there and this was just month two!  By month three I had to be hospitalized for dehydration, twice.  I often wondered how people survive this with out killing themselves! 

The second time I was hospitalized the morning, noon, and night sickness seemed to come to a lull.  I said come to a lull, don't get me wrong, it was still there!  So it wained a bit and I got a new compainion, called repulsion to smells!  This was bad because if I wasn't prepared, it could sneek up on me spontaneously and I would power puke publicly.  Say that three times fast!  It could be pleasant smells that made me puke, for some reason my hormones would change them into foulness.  I puked over the smell of purfume at the grocery store ( main street bilo for my pennsyltucky peeps).  I puked at a friends house over wet dog smell.  My Gram (lord rest her soul) thought she'd be nice and make my my favorite dinner!  I still have not been able to eat beef stroganoff since I was pregnant.  I ate plain fried potatoes for months. 

 Now at my fifth and sixth month, smells aren't bothering me as much anymore, I think I was so happy to finally have a few hours per day when i wasn't hovering over a toilet, or laying on the cold tile of my bathroom floor, that I started shoveling food into my mouth by the metric ton!  I ate ice cream sandwiches by the boxful, some times in one day.  I got on a taco kick that could have put Taco Bell out of business.  KFC worried about me if I was gone too long.  I got fatter and fatter and fatter.  I never thought twice about it.  People kept telling me I was glowing, radiant, and beautiful.  I think it could have been the reflection off the oil my skin was secreting due to eating nothing but fried fat and grease.  Barfing and pooping were still around, but not nearly as bad and certainly not bad enough to keep me from getting my fat ass stuck, yes STUCK, in a booth at the Red Lobster. 

People would stalk me in stores to touch my belly.  They constantly asked my due date.  People thought I was ready to blow and I still had four more months!!!  (hint hint fat ass)   Right around seven months is when stretch marks entered my life for good, and heart burn popped in for a three month stay.  My baby got bigger daily and so did I, he on the other hand was not excellerating at the rate of speed I was.  If that were true I would have delivered a guiness book record breaker, instead of the peanut that came out of my giant body!

 My seventh to ninth month delivered to me a slew of new experiences, siatica for those of you who don't know that is literally a pain in your ass, Gavin stretching and making me so uncomfortable I thought I would explode, my uterus was killing me, I lost my belly button completely and did not find it again until may 23.  My feet only made appearances when I bent over to say hello to them.  I was out of control horny, which is an issue when your are #1 single and #2 huge with pregnancy.  Then the unthinkable happened!!!   I was too big for my prego clothes!  TOO BIG FOR MY PREGO CLOTHES!!!  There was no friggin way I was buying bigger pants !  All my pants were elastic!  They all had kangaroo panels in the front of them, how the hell did I out grow my damn prego clothes?!  So I cut the sides of every pair of pants I had.  I was determined to not have to buy bigger sizes!

With my new collection of little friends I marched on to my final month and hot flashes joined us!!!  I was so uncomfortable, like a big, hot, steamy, badly dressed moose.  I felt like that scene out of Jurassic Park when they notice the water in the cup is vibrating.  By 36 weeks I was trying every thing to go into labor.  I would hop up and down stairs. I walked until exhaustion took over.  I tried squats but I couldn't get up once I was down!  Then finally!

I went to my 38 week check up, and my OBGYN, Dr. Ott, (affectionately refferred to as Dr. HOTT)  looked at me quizically and asked me if I noticed anything different that day.  No I said, just the usuall hell that goes along with pregnancy.  He then said well, you are seven centimeters dialated!  You are in labor girl!  I was so happy !!!  It was over !!!!  Yay!  Wait, wasn't I supposed to be in pain?  Where is my broken water?  Why am I so comfortable?  That's right bitches!  Not a single contraction!  I felt great!  Lets get this show on the road! 

I called my Gram at work to come get me, and off to the delivery room we went!!  I registered as a "jane doe" so Gavin's biological father couldn't bother us until I wanted him there.  He had seen all the vagina of mine he was going to see quite frankly!  I wanted it to be a private, calm experience, and it was.  So I got to my room, I walked around, I had some popcicles and still felt great!  My contractions became noticable but I was not in agony.  I think the idea of not being pregnant anymore covered up a lot of my pain!  I had the opportunity to have the epidural, so I figured why not?  Might as well keep this a pain free experience if I can!  My doctor came and broke my water.  That was more gross than painful.  It was hot, sticky and wet, eeeeeew!    That is when the real fun began!  It was like some one cranked the pain dial to ten!  Thank god that epidural was coming!!

I was dealing with the pain just fine, until the anesthesiologist with a barely audible accent came in and made me sit on a board to do the epidural, ummmm.....does he know that there is a baby coming out of me?  That fucking hurt!  I couldn't even feel what he was doing to my back, but I could feel the pressure of my baby being pushed the wrong way, and lemme tell ya that sucked!!!!  All was well  a few moments later, he was done and I was back in my bed!  Aaaaah!  So the numbness kicked in nice.  I could feel some pressure though, I said  uh....oh!   I think he's coming out!!!  So the nurse checked and said yup!  I see his hair!  She called my Doc who almost didn't make it!  I won't hold it against him though, after all he is Dr. Hott!  I got to watch in a mirror, and then he told me to reach down and pick my baby up, and I did!  My gooey, hairy gross little monkey baby!!!  At 8:55 pm  on May 23, 2001 the world welcomed Gavin Joseph Randolph and definatley was greatful to have him.  My labor was only four hours, and I only spent about thirty minutes of that in agony.  I will mention however that because Gavin came so rapidly and I did not want and episiotomy (I stand by that decision)  I ended up tearing.  So along with Gavin I left the hospital with my souvenir of 50 something stitches!

I became enraptured by this little miracle of mine, and refused to let the nurses take him any where.  I slept with him in the crook of my arm and that's where he stayed for months to come.  Let him go?  I just got him!  Are you nuts?  The next day I woke up with a crazy migraine.  I couldn't see out of my left eye or move my head from side to side.  I asked the nurse for some pain killers and when I told her why, she looked startled.  The next thing I know I am back in the ER having a "blood patch"  they took blood from my arm and injected it into my epidural space that hadn't been sealed properly.  The incorrect seal caused spinal fluid to leak into my blood system, hence the head ache and neck pain.  I felt better in about 20 minutes post blood patch.

The following day, we went home!!!!!!  I loved the fact that , that day was the first day of the rest of our lives.

So after reading this you may be thinking that I would never ever have a baby again.  Well, stay tuned people......there may be a new addition by the end of 2011!  (hopefully second pregnancies are easier)  I love being a mother, there is nothing in the world like it.  I would go through all of that all over again and I can't wait to do it.